Dear California Heterosexual,
My name is C. Brian Smith, and I am a California Homosexual.
On November 4th of this year you will be asked to vote on Proposition 8, a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages. I am urging you to vote “NO” on this referendum.
Believe me, I know that sharing the institution of marriage with homosexuals is a scary concept. You guys really, really like getting and being married. You’ve been doing it for a long time and have understandably become quite protective over its sanctity. Marriage is not a toy, but if it were, it would be your favorite. And nobody wants to share his favorite toy. I totally get it.
So I am writing to see if we can strike a deal. If you vote “NO” on Prop 8, I will do everything I can to make you feel comfortable about sharing the institution of marriage with me.
When I get gay
married, I promise I won’t “kiss the bride.”
Because really – who needs to see two men kissing? I realize there will be children and old people present at the ceremony – even Jesus might drop in! Perhaps you’d be more comfortable with a playful pat on the backside, like ball players do when something goes well. I know what you’re thinking. Ass play is a rather slippery slope, so we’d better steer clear of that region altogether. I’ll agree to that. And yet it’s bound to be a pretty important day in my relationship -- some form of physical affection would be nice. A firm handshake and/or a fraternal hug? That seems fair and appropriate.
When I get gay married,
I promise I won’t overuse my husband’s health benefits.
The health care system in this country is already strapped. If every newly-insured gay spouse suddenly starts skipping to the doctor every time he or she feels “sick”, complete chaos will ensue. Pharmacy lines will spill out the door. Overused magazines in waiting rooms will tatter and spoil. And lets face it, when you’re sick, the last thing you need to come in contact with is a homosexual who may or may not have AIDS. So I promise to use preventative measures by exercising and eating well. I will only visit the doctor in cases of emergency (and in such cases, I promise my husband will not visit me in the hospital, even though it is his right to do so).
When I get gay
married, I promise I won’t teach your kids to be gay like me.
You love your children, I know. You protect them from disease and bad weather -- shouldn’t you also protect them from Gay? What will little Johnny think when he sees two happily married, wealthy, gorgeous gay men living next door to him? “I don’t want that lifestyle?” Yeah, right. He will immediately become homosexual. And no parent wants his or her child to become a homosexual (including me). So I promise not to speak to you son or daughter under any circumstance, and I’ll make every effort to downplay my genuine happiness.
When I get gay married like you, I will
get divorced like you.
Over 50% of heterosexual marriages end in divorce. I don’t know how this benefits the “sanctity of marriage” you keep referring to, but then again, you’ve been doing this a lot longer than I have! As you know, we gays don’t do monogamy well – so your divorce customs should be a cinch to pick up. After ten years and two or three kids, one of us will move out and get gay married to someone younger and less bossy.
When I get gay
married, I’ll only exercise a few of the 1400 rights conferred to me.
Because I’m a nice guy and trying to broker a good faith deal with you, I will agree to waive my right to file joint tax returns, social security benefits and custom claims forms when traveling. If it makes you more comfortable, I also promise to refrain from deciding whether my deceased husband is buried or cremated. Who wants to really deal with that shit anyway, right?
When I get gay
married, I will not support polygamy and/or bestiality.
If the definition of marriage is broadened to include same sex couples, you can be sure that beastialitists and polygamists will line up in front of wedding chapels faster than you can say “woof” or “I know this ain’t heaven, but five virgins ain’t bad!” It’s the logical next step, after all. And while I support every man’s god-given right to marry the dog he loves, I promise I will keep these views to myself. That said, those Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints folks are a pretty resourceful and litigious bunch. And “man’s best friends” will sooner or later want to take the relationship to the next level. So it’s only a matter of time before you’re going to have to share marriage with everyone. I know you feel strongly about this one but just think for a second. Could you really deny your own cat the right to wed? Ask the Vice President how tricky that can be.
California Heterosexual, thank you for considering my compromise. I understand you’ll need some time to consult with your spouse before signing off on it -- one hand, one heart, that whole thing. To my worrisome female friend: rest assured. Once gay married, I will continue to be a safe, empathetic sounding board for you when you feel the need to drone on and on about absolutely nothing for seven or eight hours.
California Heterosexual, share marriage with us. Vote “NO” on Proposition 8.
Sincerely,
C. Brian Smith
California Homosexual
